How to Beilieve in Christianity: A Lesson in Mental Decompensation

We all need something to believe in, and it seems that believing in yourself isn’t a popular choice these days. So, what do you do? Well, it’s much easier to believe in some remote being. You see, this removes responsibility. Things didn’t work out your way, well “god works in mysterious ways”, or it’s all a part of “god’s plan”. Things do go your way, and you get to praise jesus, allah, or whatever other deity you happen to worship (yes, they are lowercase on purpose). It’s nice because you don’t have to try as hard for results when you believe that you aren’t the one ultimately responsible for the outcome
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So, I know right now you are saying one of two things; 1) “This guy is an asshole, or (more likely), 2) “I want to stop being responsible for the abortion that is my life, sign me up! Well, thankfully you’ve got me as your guide on how to become a Christian. How convenient.
First, we need to get something cleared up. In order to follow this religion, or any religion for that matter, you need to forget some things. You see, there are all these pesky facts that get in the way when you want to follow a religion. Because they are facts and only idiots dispute them (of which there are plenty), the only thing you can really do is to ignore them.
First, let’s forget that there were ever religions before christianity. The existence of these religions isn’t necessarily an issue if you wish to believe in christianity, it’s the practices, beliefs, and symbolism that become a pesky reminder that christianity chose to steal from and morph prior religions as opposed to creating something original. Unfortunately, the thievery aspect of christianity is rampant, so we are going to need to forget a lot of it. First, we need to completely forget that ALL major Christian holidays coincide almost exactly with pre-existing Pagan holidays. We need to forget about the cross, the trinity, the holy spirit, and all other symbols that supposedly have special meaning, because all of them had been used by previous religions. Let’s also forget that when the christian religion was created and the transition from the previous polytheism that existed in pagan religions was abandoned for monotheism, pagans who refused to convert were tortured or murdered. These are all somewhat inconvenient facts, and anybody looks like an ass trying to defend them. Forgotten.
Now, religion does serve a purpose – to bring people closer together. Even remote tribes that have no contact with the outside world have religions. Of course, it’s not the same god as others worship, it’s directly relevant to the needs of that particular society. This god can control things as simple as the year’s harvest, or might have control over scientific phenomenon such as the rotation of the Earth around the sun (or the sun around the earth in the case of self-absorbed). Their beliefs and practices bind them together, making the society tighter and hence obviously better suited to take on the challenges of nature and outside forces. Strange that which god you choose to believe in seems to have a lot to do with geographical location. I guess since the god in christianity is only letting believers who repent into heaven, people who were unlucky enough to be born in some particular regions of the world where a different god is worshiped are SOL. Damn. It’s like god’s version of roulette. Oh well, we can’t all be winners. Another fact to forget.
One more thing to forget – thinking for yourself. Sorry buddy, but that just can’t work in this religion. If you don’t conform to preset standards that work to keep you in a mindless state, similar to that of a rotting zombie (but with a slightly lower IQ), stop reading now. This religion needs to control what you do in your bed, what you say, and most of all…what you think. Hopefully you like kneeling. You’ll be doing it during some of the services, and if you’re a young boy…..well, you’ll figure this one out in time.
Did the bible have passages supporting bigotry, sexism, genocide, murder, incest, and other acts that aren’t supported by the church? Nope, because we just forgot about them.
Science? We don’t want any of that new-age mumbo jumbo. Just because science supports the evolution of the earth and beings, it runs contrary to the ‘creationism’ aspect of this religion. Can’t really dispute it because….well, because it’s science. More evidence against the existence of jesus than proof for it? What’s that? There is NO real proof of the existence of jesus? The pope during one time period can condemn something and another approves of it even though they are the appointed voice of christ and are getting their values from the same (false) document? Did I say ‘false’? I might have forgotten to mention that biblical events haven’t been confirmed by science. Should I have mentioned that earlier? Sorry, my bad. At this point, you know what to do.
So, I know what you’re saying “I’ve abandoned science, I’ve chosen to disregard the historical facts of the religion itself, ignored what came before the religion, and stopped thinking for myself…what else do I need to do?” First, and most importantly, you need to become judgmental. If others don’t think like you, they are on the fast track to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just go straight to hell. Now, we all know there’s no such thing, but this step is crucial. We have to believe we are right and that not only are others missing out, but it’s our responsibility to prove to them that they are wrong and we are right. This is usually done with condescending remarks about how they have ‘seen the light’, are ‘witnesses’, or some other line of bullshit that directly works to put them on a pedestal and you in hell.
This brings me to the next thing you need to do. You must believe that humans are innately ‘special’. Nope, dogs don’t have souls that transcend after a life of loyal service, but yours does. You see, even though there are other galaxies and seemingly infinite space in the universe, we are the only ones that matter. We are special enough that we get to live eternally in heaven! Now, even though monkeys aren’t that far away from us genetically and on the evolutionary ladder, they don’t have souls. Is it because they can’t talk? I’m not sure, parrots supposedly don’t have souls either.
How does it feel now that you’ve completed the first basic steps to becoming a christian? I don’t understand…following all these steps not only make you irrational, but also make you self-absorbed and judgmental? I guess with all that you’ve had to ‘forget’, you probably have the mental functioning of a late-stage Alzheimer’s patient. Congratulations, you’re right where you need to be. Trust me, I’m a Reverend.
- Reverend Genius