Mindgasm

For someone that has rounded up a few of his closest and most opinionated friends and convinced them to join a blog and then to wait 8 months in between posts I should be a little disappointed in myself. Should be... However...I'm not.



As another birthday approaches I always become VERY introverted and quite philosophical. I'm going to be 31 in a couple weeks. Every year since I turned 28 as my birthday approaches I become a little melancholy. I become very harsh on myself and my life in general. I, more or less, internally berate myself. I'm not sure what, if anything, it accomplishes but for someone who is 99% of the time an (internally) positive person I do it anyway. I'm not really sure at what point I became so introverted with certain things but it happened. Anyway my point is this....I have A LOT on my mind right now. So here's comes my Mindgasm.

Tonight while sitting in my car getting my gas pumped for me (one of the very FEW cool things about Jersey) I'm looking around, as I always do. I see the lower class guy in his sweatpants walk out of the store packing his cigarettes in the palm of his hand. Then he is followed by a giant piece of Yuppie. Full suit, long black coat. This choad probably pays more for a haircut than I make in a week. The Yuppie gets in his Volvo. The Smoker in a minivan with a very large section of bumper missing. I wasn't sure who annoyed me more. Or even who I respected more for that matter.

Now in order for this to make sense I have to go back a bit as to what I've been pondering lately. Like most people in the country now I'm thankful for a job. However also like most people I fucking HATE my job. I'm one of those stupid people who bitch and bitch and bitch about their job and how much they don't get paid. I work too hard. Management sucks. Blah blah blah. It hasn't been until very recently, like the past week or so, I've been able to step back from that point of view and point the finger back at myself. You might ask, "Why don't you find a new job?". Good question. I think for most people it's because of one thing...routine. We love comfort and security. We love our cozy homes. We go the same way to work everyday. We know EXACTLY what to expect. I'm just as guilty as everyone in this standard. Not many of us take a giant life risk. Or even a risk on a small level...like perhaps a new flavor of fucking coffee. Humans love routine. We don't like change...most humans anyway.

Now with that being said, I have come to one realization recently. I've always known it and have thought about it on occasion but it really hasn't gotten under my skin like it has the past week or so. Here it is...
We are all part of the Machine. Now I don't want to get too hippie on you or even too political. But it's the damn truth. None of us mean ANYTHING in the grand scheme of things. I could die tomorrow and the Machine keeps going. Lowes won't notice I'm dead. My co-workers would. I'd like to think a couple of them might even be sad but the Machine won't miss a beat. The government won't miss my taxes that much. The roads won't notice I'm not driving on them. The resources I consume on a daily basis won't notice I'm gone. The food I don't eat will still be consumed on some other level.

The only thing that will matter is the "Legacy" I've left behind. Now I put quotes around "Legacy" because I'm really not even sure what it means. I'd like to think I've touched people's lives in some way when I've met them. I'm not talking a handshake and occasional "Hey. What's up?". I mean to MEET someone. To know about the person. Something they have an opinion on. A common bond the two of you have. In other words a person that will actually give a shit when you're dead and they will actually miss the conversations you have yet to have. I'm confident that I could die as soon as this post is finished and the people I care about will be really bummed out when I'm dead and gone. I'd like to think I'm a person anyone with a modicum of intelligence can have a conversation with and connect to. I love talking to people. Not just the typical bullshit. I mean a conversation with someone that has meaning. A "get this off my chest" type of conversation. A conversation about someone's hopes and dreams. Because in the end it's your connection with people that you'll remember. Certain situations with certain people talking about certain things. Your last thoughts (if we're all lucky enough to have them) won't be about taxes or cars or suits or iPads or Blu-Ray collections. It will be about the time you had some form of adventure. It will be that restaurant with the great food and the 4 hours you spent there with friends.

These are the only moments that really matter in life because without them we're just a piece of a much larger puzzle. The sooner humans get over themselves and realize how little they mean in all actuality and connect with others in some form the better. Toss your ego out the door because you're nothing as a person until you figure this out. Your 7 figure salary is shit, because guess what, you can't take it with you. Strut around bossing people around to overcompensate for your small dick, you're still nothing. Presidents, celebrities, athletes, CEOs...all nothing.

Now I know this sounds negative. Interestingly enough in my mind it isn't at all. It's actually somewhat enlightening. What this leads to is the debate I've been having on my day to day impact on things. How much meaning is there in what I do for a living? Does my mixing paint have an impact on anything. To be honest NO. It only pays the bills. I get paid to make someone else money. The problem is I want more in life. I was having a conversation with my mother not too long ago about college, my future, etc. She made a very good point. I'm always striving to learn more. About anything and everything. I LOVE learning new things. Her point was this, because I have so many interests in so many different things it's become EXTREMELY hard to narrow my interests down enough to pursue something I would do for a living. I'm kind of a Jack of All Trades-Master of None-type of guy. Sort of. That part is great but there's just one thing. Mixing paint isn't what I want to do. Working for a large corporation that realistically doesn't care about me isn't what I want to do. Most of us spend our lives grinding away paying for shit we don't need. Our country is built on this premise. The more money we make the more shit we get and the more we convince ourselves things haven't really changed. We say, "Well I have just as many financial problems now making $100,000 than I did when I made $25,000." BULLSHIT! You just worked hard (I'm assuming here...) and bought the house you've dreamed of. The car(s) you wanted. You've gotten married and built a family and a future for all of you (The only thing most people do that really matters). But honestly can you tell me all the shit you've bought you really NEED. I mean NEED. You need shelter and transportation and food. But the American way is to prove how big your dick and/or vagina is. And bigger and better is just how we do shit here.

So it's here I find myself stuck. I want to better myself. I want to achieve something with my life I can be proud of. I want to make a living and if I ever have kids provide a MUCH better life for them than I've built for myself. That's what everyone wants I guess. The thing is I don't want to settle for anything less than true happiness. I'm a realist in that I acknowledge my path is life if very different from most. I'm not normal. I'm not special. I just want to make an impact in a society that doesn't care about me as an individual. Do I want to be the Yuppie with the Volvo or the Smoker with the Minivan? The answer is neither! So it's here my quest for something greater begins...